Parenting | Dads and Disabilities Article in The State Newspaper

Parenting | Dads and Disabilities Article in The State Newspaper

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Posted on Tue, Nov. 27, 2007

Parenting | Dads and Disabilities

More fathers learning to be advocates for their kids

By DEVON COPELAND

dcopeland@thestate.com

Kevin Crain still remembers feeling shocked and fearing the unknown when his daughter Rachel was born with Down syndrome.

He and his wife tried to navigate the medical care, education and bureaucracy on their own.

But when the private school his daughter was attending said they didn’t have the resources to handle her disability, Crain sought help.

Rachel, who likes hot dogs and playing Yahtzee with her dad, is now attending public school.

And Crain is learning more about how to be an advocate for his 7-year-old daughter to make sure she gets the education and care she needs.

For one weekend a month for the next five months, Crain, of Mount Pleasant, will join 21 others for a Partners in Policymaking class.

“It’s easy to check out and not deal with it,” he said, but “I would hope Partners in Policymaking makes it so society is more accepting of people with Down syndrome and other disabilities and you don’t freak out about having a child with a disability.”

The program, which is free to S.C. residents, trains adults with disabilities and parents of children with disabilities to better navigate the maze of federal regulations, doctor visits and school conferences.

Crain’s enrollment in the class symbolizes a trend among the participants.

Four fathers are enrolled in this session’s class, which began earlier this month, marking the program’s largest father enrollment in one session. Of the program’s 200 graduates since 1997, 11 have been fathers.

‘A DIFFERENT WAY OF LOOKING AT THINGS’

It’s becoming increasingly common to see fathers participate in support groups and classes to help them find their roles in a family with a disabled child.

Greg Schell, director of the Washington State Fathers Network, said when a family is rearing a child with a disability, the mother’s natural instincts kick in and she begins gathering information.

Fathers, he said, can often find it difficult to adjust to the vulnerability that comes with being a parent of a child with a disability.

“Dads are interesting creatures,” Schell said. “Society says we’re supposed to be strong, take-charge kind of people. We’re not supposed to show emotion about all that. When you have a child with a disability, that really kind of flies out the window.”

Partners in Policymaking is available to mothers and fathers, and participants said learning about how to better advocate for children is a role both parents can — and should — play.

Program coordinator Redick Loring said fathers have a lot to offer by participating in the class and adding their perspective. “I think they have a different way of looking at things.”

Fathers seem to take a more businesslike approach in situations like school conferences, Loring added. “So often the mothers feel like they have to fight. The fathers can cut to the chase sometimes.”

‘MORE OPTIMISM’

Marvin Koon of Irmo said he signed up for the class to better understand the services available to his 10-year-old son, who has autism.

“It’s more or less just having your eyes opened,” Koon said.

He said that as a parent he finds it difficult to determine what services are best for his son, but in the class, he’s surrounded by people who struggle with the same challenges. “It gives you a different comfort level knowing you’ve shared experiences with other people.”

Nearly three years ago, Michael Graham and his wife, Donna, of Columbia, said they were foundering. Their daughter, Imani, who was 4 at the time, has Down syndrome.

When they heard about the class, they decided Michael should take it while Donna continued with their daughter’s daily care.

In the class, Michael Graham learned how to help their daughter make the transition to school, how to build relationships with policymakers and the roles of state and federal agencies.

“I had hit the mother lode. All the information was going to come and sit in front of us.”

Since his 2005 graduation, Graham has gone on to advocate for other families and attend national conferences.

Graham said it helped to be around other fathers. “When you meet fathers who are there for the long haul, you bond.”

Donna Graham said she’s been impressed with how active her husband has become. “It’s phenomenal. Ever since he took the class, he just took off running.”

When dads are involved, Schell said, the dynamic of the family changes. “There is a lot more optimism and a lot less stress.”

Reach Copeland at (803) 771-8485.

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